wallaceworld

james is 2

2011-04-10T12:05:00.005-04:00

photos from jimmer's second birthday party. he loved his cake: a highway cake with cars and trucks and traffic signs. he loved his presents, especially a plastic tractor that was broken the next day. and he clapped when he blew the candles out. (didn't get a pic of that because i was at a bad angle... but it was cute).

*disclaimer #1: i don't yet know how to use the powerful camera ellen and gary gave me for christmas. user errors! sorry!

james waits patiently for his slice o' cake

happy birthday james!

disobey world

2011-01-23T23:52:00.006-05:00

i made a quickie visit to the magic kingdom this weekend, or "disobey world" as one friend called it via his intuitive texting feature. i think disobey world would be a much different kind of theme park, leaving you with scars and diseases... an amsterdam kind of thing. disney world, on the other hand, was 100 percent magical. eliza captured a slim fraction of magic on her phone camera.

press play for a sideways, enchanted window into the happiest place on earth:

and away we go... 2011

2011-01-17T18:14:00.004-05:00

but not without a look back.

i believe in new year's resolutions in theory... but apparently not in practice. i have friends who consider, draft and finalize their resolutions, broad sweeping changes for their lives. and i have those who make lengthy lists that read more like to-dos than what i think the spirit of the whole thing is: appraise yourself and look to make yourself a little better every year.

i haven't made real, thoughtful resolutions for years, but i've thought a lot about the way i handle my business and formed three resolutions based on the things in my business-handling i like the least. i am hereby resolved to be a little better by this time next year in the following arenas: (and i'm etching my resolutions in the permanent ink of the internet just to dial up the pressure to keep 'em).

in 2011 i want to

1 - do what i say i'll do.

2 - do things that scare me (like, for instance, make commitments and follow up on them).

3 - look for ways to improve the lives of the people around me. this third one means i have to put down the boxing gloves that were a fixed feature on the landscape of 2010. the people of trader joe's will be relieved, i'm sure.

there are smaller, listy ways i'm getting at these three broad goals... though i need to tweak my methods. i already broke #2 about 4 times this weekend. i bailed on a MLK brunch (without telling the host. he wasn't happy). and i bailed on a ski trip. (again. without informing the host my rsvp was now no from yes). oh gosh. not doing so great on the commitments.

um.

2011 starts today. happy new year.

i have a blog?

2010-06-23T23:50:00.010-04:00

yes i DO have this special place in the back alley of the internet to record my secret and most brilliantest thoughts. here are three, in random order:

1. nerds rule. i've dabbled in the sciences (for the first time) with my Discovery research gig, and i'm in LOVE with nerds and the whacked out questions they ask -- from the ridiculous to the audacious. it feels like we've hit upon a new renaissance, or am i just now paying attention? did you know nerds are busy right this very second building synthetic life? creating matter? invisibility cloaks? science is creation. it's so optimism... nerds are the real american heroes.

2. why can't i live overseas? pull a thoreau and quit it all...?

3. SUMMER! joyfully! officially! (as of monday night). blessed open season on all of my life favs: humidity, gardens, swimming holes, lightening bugs, watermelon, beach, HOT, tennis, tan, and all things fertile and lovely. thank you, life! summer break please!

mac computer photo booth

2010-02-02T00:22:00.003-05:00

is there anything better in the world?

55 million reasons to vote

2009-11-02T21:38:00.010-05:00

dear virginia,

you are encouraged to make your way to the voting booth tomorrow, november 3rd, and cast a ballot... encouraged strongly by thousands of investors (many of them from out of state) that paid through the nose for their candidate to win tomorrow. the specific sum, a stunning $55 million, is a record for state races. you've come along way, virginia!

you already know the players. creigh deeds, the democrat, has the labor unions (from new york, maryland, pennsylvania...) on his team. bob mcdonnell has business, construction and insurance companies mailing him checks. both received the bulk of their funding from their respective political groups, and lord only knows where that money came from. a convenient loophole allows both candidates to withhold the full donor list from political groups. you know, the same groups that donated a full quarter of the cash to this race.

virginia, you and new jersey are the only lucky states with big state elections in this off-year. you're in the spotlight, baby! obama's people are afraid the results of this election will play as a referendum on the first year in office -- scaring away the blue dog dems in congress. the republicans need a win and see this election as a chance to slow down impending legislation, like the health care bill. state politics? the governance of virginia? no one cares about THAT. those are NOT the kinds of questions that draw $55 million.

it should be mentioned the interest the big labor has in virginia, because unions did buy our democratic nominee on the open market. unions plans to start the work of rolling back "right to work" laws in virginia. that law says both employees and businesses don't have to be part of a union/pay dues. if labor has their way, we'd have to unionize to work.

and it should be mentioned that super conservative people are backing mcdonnell, who is moderate politically but far right socially.

so that's your choice, virginia. i hope you can ignore the combined $24 million in muddy, pathetic radio and television ads and vote for what would be best for the state, not the white house, not the out-of-staters with deep pockets, nor congress or the media that has already decided what the election results mean for the country. your vote was worth a pretty penny, so make sure you spend it wisely, virginia!

because god loves squirrels too

2009-10-28T22:12:00.004-04:00

winter weather advisory: a very cold and long winter.

how do i know? well. you've got punxsutawney phil, the famous groundhog, to tell you when spring will start by his reckoning of his shadow. i look to another rodent in the fall to know what kind of winter i can expect. and this jumpy little friend has never steered me wrong in predicting what the winter solstice has in store. i trust the Sciurus carolinensis -- or Eastern Gray Squirrel -- for my weather report.

my proof: have you noticed all the gajillions of acorns underfoot this fall? i noticed them in late summer in my parent's yard, rocking and rolling around the lawn as i tried to mow. and i noticed those $&*@ acorns in old town when a puddle of 'em left me no traction on a run... and down i went. it means something, people. it means we're in for a mighty cold and LONG winter. why? because god loves the squirrels. those tree dwelling rodents need energy for all that tail twitching and street scurrying -- up to 2 pounds of chow a week, or 20 acorns (according to my sources). so when it's going to be a brutal winter, god makes some extra late-summer food storage for the cutest of the four-legged scavengers. don't discount my theory. it's science. or it's proven by years of intense squirrel gazing -- and isn't science just the latest theory no one has yet to disprove?

oh. and there have been fewer solar flares this year. so... yeah. there's something for the nerds to get behind. batten down your hatches and order your snuggie today! it's real and it's coming! brrrrrrrr....

gilded era

2009-08-10T02:29:00.011-04:00

my roommate, annie miller (the pretty lady in the middle of the picture below), threw herself a birthday for the big 3-0 last week... a 20's lawn party. it was beautiful. everyone was beautiful. in fact, i believe we would all have been a lot better looking in the 20's. and the hit of the night? a photo booth courtesy of janine sides. if you look this good, shouldn't it be captured on film?

totally radical

2009-06-04T15:18:00.001-04:00

THIS is what I'm talking about.

WWTFFD?

2009-06-02T17:47:00.008-04:00

When you like American military history as much as I do, every day is Memorial Day, people. The American war du jour? The Revolutionary War. It all started with the John Adams HBO mini-series (pure awesome-ness). The family watched it over Christmas, pausing to discuss all the early politicking that got the upstart colonialists in a tussle with the most powerful army and navy of the world at the time. That’s when I realized how moderate I am. I found Bostonians to be a blood-thirsty mob of terrorists, and had I a vote in the Continental Congress in June 1775, I would’ve condemned the radical war-mongers from New England and urged more peacemaking with King George.

And my inner Tory goes further: I just might’ve shirked from allegiance to the patriots. When in 1776, the Brits decided it was business time and rolled into the New York Harbor with over 400 ships outfitted with tens of thousands of canons and carrying over 60,000 troops, I’m not sure I would’ve been brave enough to stand with George Washington and his band of 16,000 farmers and shop keepers.

And if the largest Armada ever assembled hadn’t done the trick, the New York battles would’ve broken my support. Washington lost – definitively – the first four out of five battles and the only reason the Continental Army wasn’t completely decimated is because fate stepped in and weather covered every retreat. Mother Nature was the MVP in Washington’s first five battles because Washington himself, as heretical as it is to say, made rookie mistakes. Big, awful mistakes. I guess that’s what happens when someone who had heretofore only managed a regiment takes on (it’s worth saying again) the most powerful army and navy in the world. Washington didn’t have one boat, for crying out loud. His soldiers didn’t have shoes!

Of course, history tells me my blood saving, peacemaking view is wrong. 1775 was the right time to jump into the great unknown -- armed with the right ideas and the right people if not all the correct battle accoutrements. Moderation isn’t always the safest, best course. Sometimes the times call for our indignation + action.

This new, aggressive thought draws my attention to the current front page. What would Adams have said about the GM bailout? Would Alexander Hamilton have gone apoplectic at the descent into national-security-threatening debt to China or is the bail-out, with all its risks, exactly the right solution? Would Benjamin Franklin have silently allowed our national press to founder, leaving us without a watchdog of government and human nature - a role so vital in a democracy that it rated a mention in the Constitution? It might be ok to be moderate with all the easy questions but for these hard ones... well... I'm thinking it's time to get radical.

letter to the first lady

2009-02-08T21:20:00.005-05:00

dear eve --

i've been thinking about you, there in the garden experiencing the same -- if perfect -- day over and over. i wonder if the apple was a premeditated scheme. were you happy to blame the serpent for the fantastic plan you cooked up to get out of the routine? i wonder -- and perhaps this is a bit graphic -- did you have a period? did you wonder exactly how that biological nuisance fit into the plan if you were to stay childlike and childless? did that monthly interruption of perfection give you the insight and courage to do what adam could not: see a life outside the garden?

were you afraid? when you took a bite of that apple, did it occur to you that adam might let you go and that you would be yes -- as wise as the gods, but still childless and now all alone and cast out. did you rehearse a few ways to present the original ultimatum to adam? whatever you said, it worked. we single girls could take a lesson on convincing a man that comfort and ease don't trump the terrifying unknowns outside the perimeter if you've got a good companion. surely being the only woman put a check in your plus column.

we're a grateful world that adam took the bait although your curse is with us today. see, despite the eons of time between your shot at mortality and mine, the nature of man (and woman) hasn't changed much. we women are still usually the first to get the itchin' to leave the garden. most every woman that's walked the earth since you, flesh of your flesh, has been cursed to replay your definitive scene in the garden. some of us a few times. only now that scary apple has been replaced with other symbols: a ball and chain, a baby rattle, a diamond ring. millions of pages have been written on how a woman can convince her adam to commit to a new life... did this genesis of relationship stories set the template? and any tips for a girl without access to forbidden fruit and fielding a handful -- ok a world -- of other females that sometimes can distract even the good adams.

help a sista out,

jenna -- this one's for you

2008-12-14T23:55:00.007-05:00

so you say you check in on my blog to see what i'm doing, jenna? that must be a disappointment for you. well, no more. welcome to your christmas miracle: a brand new blog post just for you...that says nothing at all. kinda like a toothless abominable snowman, ain't it? (still my favorite christmas movie of ALL time, that "rudolf the red nose reindeer.") and yes. the elf who wants to be a dentist is gay, just like the benevolent lion with wings that rules over the island of the misfit toys. now that island. THERE'S some blog material. i know that island. i might even live there. i wish mormon singles would incorporate some of the honesty those misfit toys oh so easily display. like the train that let's you know upfront he has square not round wheels on his caboose, or the bird who confesses those wings are just window dressing, he swims with the fish. how refreshing would that be? "i'm john, i might appear normal but i'm just looking for the next best thing and will only like you for 2 months tops." or "i'm suzy, well-adjusted on the outside, measuring you against my father on the inside." it would make more efficient dating, is all i'm saying.

but i digress. merry christmas to you, jenna stott riggs, and also to the thousands of you that visit my blog daily for the frequent updates. and as a little treat, i leave you with this little gift o the season.

after school special

2008-10-14T21:29:00.001-04:00

my cousin weston is a sophomore in high school. he got himself in a spot of trouble with a senior -- a good sized senior -- on account of the senior's girlfriend. apparently she was "talking to" weston. apparently "talking to" is a new category of relationship. it's the step after just crushing and before "going together." obviously this senior could not stand for such behavior and so his people scheduled a little conflict resolution with weston's people: after school, under the bleachers. weston missed the appointment. but weston couldn't run forever. the senior caught him when weston was out playing football with some of his fellows. turns out that senior shouldn't have been so eager for a showdown. and i can tell you this story because some enterprising observer got the whole thing with their iphone and posted it on youtube. nothing's secret people. observe my boy weston -- the one in the blue shorts.

vote the bums out

2008-10-01T18:37:00.000-04:00

so... you've seen the front pages, with all those downward trending arrows. all that red ink running down the front page would be our market, our economy, the future of our country. and while i've got a load of moral problems with digging out wall street after their reckless credit spree, it's clear the bail-out matters. stocks around the world rise and fall and banks fail or live to fight another day based on the word from the floor -- not the trading floor of the NYSE, mind you, but the floor of congress. and though our representative government can't pull it together to agree on a plan to salvage the wreck of our economy, they WERE able to agree on $630 billion budget bill yesterday. it was crafted in secret, voted on before anyone could read the 300 + pages and filled with at least $20 billion of pork for pet projects, and more for oil and auto industry subsidies... oh, and almost $500 billion -- a record-breaking outlay -- for the Pentagon for those twin regime-change projects in iraq and afghanistan. i get it. it's an election year and our congress people have to give back for the hefty campaign contributions they've received from big business, and defense, oil and auto give big in election years. but why aren't the little people getting together and teaching our representatives about fiscal responsibility by voting the bums right out of a job? try balancing YOUR budget on the unemployment line, fella.

i'm just saying.

love is a battlefield

2008-07-17T15:01:00.000-04:00

or worse, if you believe mai at nail magic in old town. every now and then i get my nails did. i'm not ashamed. not to stereotype, but mostly may nail groomers hail from asian lands, like mai from vietnam.

just after i picked my shade of polish ("bashful blossom" -- a delicate pink that suits my demure personality) i asked mai for a story -- to tell me how she came to be in virginia. i got a profile in courage. mai left vietnam in the late 70's -- a few years after the communists took power. she was just a young woman but she felt the oppressive rule was going to kill her. her parents consented to fund her dream to escape vietnam for the refugee camps in the philippines. they gave her their life savings and entrusted her with her little pre-pubescent sister and mai bid her parents forever farewell.

she shouldn't have survived the five day boat ride. 100 people packed so tightly on a dingy built for 20 that sitting wasn't an option. mai stood for five days -- she thought the heat and smell and bodies packed tightly was going to kill her. and then both god and man took a shot at sinking her. first a massive storm so strong it knocked people overboard and caused the boat to take on water and then a shipful of pirates rammed and boarded their sad little boat, robbing the refugees of everything and kidnapping the young girls. mai's little sister was grabbed up and then somehow left behind with mai. after the pirates, the boat was sinking for real, but just before disaster claimed the ship, a german oil rigger found and saved the pitiful, helpless lot.

if she'd know about the dangers in her path, would mai have embarked on the journey? mai says yes. her risk was worth her shot at independence. freedom = happiness. she was willing to sacrifice and even die for that freedom and she'd do it again if she had to. now that's some love of freedom... a true story of patriotism. happy independence day everybody! revel in your freedom that everyone in the world wants but YOU enjoy!

but... that's not all mai had to say. as i was leaving, she noticed i didn't have a ring -- was i single? yes, mai. yes i am. she said: "make sure you marry man who loves you more. you love him too much, too risky." excuse me? this is coming from "no risk too great" mai? advising for the safe yet infinitely less awesome path? love, she said, shouldn't factor into the marriage decision. "too much worry. what if something happens? what if he no love you? what if he leaves?"

mai. i feel you. there are terrible, devastatingly painful risks associated with really loving someone... and they are more frightening to me than a raging storm on the high seas or being sold into slavery by a philipino pirate. i've both shied from these risks out of pure fright, and also jumped right in and felt anguish when my greatest fears (what if something happens? what if he leaves?) were realized. love isn't for sissies. it requires courage but a different brand than what mai had to summon to leave behind the life she knew for the unknown. it's one thing to die for a cause, afterall, and quite another to live for it. the struggle for a good mutually loving relationship is all about have the courage to surrender some independence, some control of your feelings and destiny, right?

pat benatar was so right. love IS a battlefield. a fight mostly with yourself probably. but, dear mai, i think i want to stay in the battle and not surrender to the safe, neutral zone of no risk, no love. not yet anyway.

spring in dc is a miracle

2008-06-03T00:34:00.000-04:00

it's been a sensory-overloading spring. blue skies, puffy white clouds, blossom laden branches, sweet lilac blooming everywhere and oh... the azaleas. they're my favorite. i got photographic evidence of the best spring ever, but you'll have to wait until my bro-in-law passes along the pictures we took on his uber fancy camera. but for now, here's a pretty shot gary snapped. and the change of template color? it's about spring. plus i heard green is sooo hot right now.

word to my mother

2008-04-29T18:08:00.000-04:00

dear mother nature, why do i keep missing your awesome displays of power? all my life, i've wanted to see a tornado... and i missed it by a day. i mighta delayed my trip to guantanamo if only i'd known southern virginia was going to host six twisters monday. but no. you don't work that way. you like to just drop in. in the future, a little notice would be appreciated if you're going to go against your own laws and drop a tornado in hurricane country.

p.s. thank you for sparing lives (200 injuries, no fatalities).

and p.p.s. my cousin isn't too happy about his strip mall (the above picture is the remains of a strip mall my cousin, scott, developed and owns...er...owned).

why i do what i do

2008-03-27T20:15:00.000-04:00

i make movies. i just hope to one day make them THIS well.

mom jeans

2008-03-18T23:23:00.000-04:00

tonight was one of the rare evenings i actually find myself in dc ... and so a friend arranged for a little dinner. trouble was we had to go to the institute linger longer to rally with the rest of our posse. i can't say i was looking forward to this part, but i pulled on my skinny oh so trendy jeans -- to fit in with the younger crowd at the 'tute. and i left the house feeling a little self-satisfied with my awesome hair day. my dome has tended towards big and fuzzy since i grew out my hair but tonight it went curly, like i like it best. (not brushing it is the key, people).

so i'm sitting on the stage at the linger longer, chatting with my buddy ben when a mentally handicapped brother comes up to us. edmund is happy and chatty and offers up a couple of hugs, and then begins to dispense the pure unrestrained honesty that only spurts forth from the very guileless and very childlike. oh, the pain of complete and undefiled honesty! edmund tells ben he looks like he has a desk job and maybe works out once in a blue moon. when ben protested, edmund amended his observation. no -- you look like a traveling salesman, he says. i had a good laugh at that but the laughter dried up when edmund turned that tractor beam of honesty on me. me -- i look like a stay-at-home mom. i didn't want any more of edmund's feedback, but of course ben wanted to know what gave me away. edmund's tip off: my mom hairstyle and (this one leaves a mark) the jeans. my pricey "skinny" uber trendy jeans look like mom jeans! it appears my tastes are getting a little too... mature --you might even say "age appropriate" -- or i need to 1. get a new mirror and 2. donate some denim to good will because as much as i admire the strong, wonderful ladies out there loving their babies and doing their thing day in, day out, "stay-at-home mom" was NOT the look i was going for when i got ready for the evening. oh. the truth does NOT set you free.

for the record, edmund thought i was either 19 or 23. so i guess that's something.

the nation of procrasti

2008-02-18T21:55:00.000-05:00

signs i have a writing deadline: my bathroom gleams with such cleanliness it can't be viewed with natural eyes, i decide to organize my finances for the first time in a year, and a gnawing anxiety in my intestines that causes rapid blinking and a mild case of turrets. so why, i ask myself, am i writing words here on my blog rather than adding some words to the empty word document that my boss expects tomorrow chock full of words? good question. the answer: the bathroom is already clean. ok. it's more than that...i just can't face that insufferably helpful animated paperclip that shames me with his observations that it looks i'm writing a letter, do i need his help? does it look like i need help? i'm doing just fine here on my own, living it up on the shores of procrasti-nation, the opposite pole of the seldom visited dedication nation.

please forward job openings my way? i might need 'em.

goodbye

2008-02-01T17:53:00.000-05:00

This week I bid sad farewell to two men who wouldn't appear to have anything in common.

President Gordon B. Hinckley passed away last Sunday night, in his home probably just blocks away from where I was having dinner. After receiving the sad news of his passing, my first feeling was actually happiness for Pres. Hinckley – I imagine Sunday night was a joyful time of reunion. And how sweet is death when you did the living part right? He really wasted and wore out his life in the service of God and man. This week, a feeling of loss has been sinking in – and an awareness of the impact the prophet had on the church, his community and me.

I saw a documentary about Hinckley’s life the other night. He was positive, brave, audacious, adventurous and knew how to make people feel loved and good. He opened up our community, encouraging members to step outside their circle of comfort. It’s easy to be Christian in a congregation of like-minded folks, but Hinckley wanted to us to get out of our congregations and get out in the world. He certainly did. He popped the world’s klieg lights on our faith and invited “outsiders” in – without judgment.

Hinckley fell into the work with the church (instead of his first career ambition to be a journalist) because he was bold enough to tell his church leaders when he thought something could be improved. Post-mission he went to the prophet and gave his two cents about the missionary teaching materials, and he was asked to take a job with the church and dream up other improvements. He was a man of deep faith and a man of action. My favorite quote of his: “When there’s a job to be done, get on your knees and ask the Lord’s help, then get on your feet and go to work.”

And I love his relationship with his wife. Hinckley has said that he and Majorie had never had a fight in 60 years of marriage. Majorie once quipped in response, “I wonder where he was for the last 60 years?” My bet is that Hinckley really couldn’t recall a fight – it was his nature to see things positively. I also liked one other comment Majorie gave about marriage. When asked about the secret to a happy marriage, her response: lower your expectations. They both kept it real and I’m motivated by their honesty and energetic lives of righteousness without a trace of self-righteousness.

This week another man known and loved in much smaller circles passed away. I admit I was a bit afraid of Ron Horton at our first meeting. All I knew was that he was once a hard-partying biker who frequented casinos and bars and his friends included ex-cons and a serial killer. Our first interview was at a seedy bar and Ron rolled up on his chopper, long hair flying. But I wasn’t concerned after he took of his glasses and I saw his eyes. Ron was a good man.

Yes he partied pretty hard at one point and his cast of friends was a collection of the handicapped, the foolhardy and the down on their luck. But he was the shepherd of this little flock of misfits. I went to Biker Church with him one Sunday (his biker gang would congregate at a bar in fellowship over too much alcohol). I watched him circulate through the crowd, checking in on folks, caring for a baby (that the parents brought to a bar!) chastising people for making poor decisions and encouraging better things from people.

The story I wrote about Ron described how he tracked one of his friends he suspected of being a serial killer, working hand in glove with police to bring him to justice. Some of his friends turned on him after he did this; some folks aren’t fans of law enforcement, but he did what was right rather than what was easy. And upon his friend’s capture, Ron gave the significant reward money to families of the victims. This is a guy who is raising three boys in a modest home and could certainly have used the money. I know how much of his day was spent in the care and service of others. I called him many times while writing my story and he was inevitably caring for a sick friend, buying groceries for someone down on their luck, taking in another kid or friend or animal. He didn’t look the part of a do-gooder and would’ve been out of place in our meeting house, but he did the living part right too. He wasted and wore out his life in the service of his fellow man, quietly doing what was right without a trace of self-righteousness, without looking for anything in return and without fear of judgment.

My dad once told me that the mark of a great man is how YOU feel when you leave his presence. If you feel good about yourself and inspired to be better, that’s a great person. So this is my tribute to Gordon B. Hinckley and Ron Horton – two great, inspiring men who have made the world a poorer place by taking their leave.

ps: the Ron Horton article here: http://www.rd.com/stories/true-crime/sniper-targets-phoenix/article.html

two winners and absolutely no losers

2008-01-16T11:34:00.001-05:00

polls closed late last night in this hotly contested race for the fattest wallace offspring -- a race marred by negative campaigning, election fraud and ballot irregularities. chocolate baby took an early lead until a wellspring of beefy voters, including unregistered international voters from brazil -- GARY -- put their ginormous candidate in the jumbo-sized spotlight big enough to accommodate his large hindquarters and thighs. candidates traded soft dimple-fisted jabs. chocolate baby thundered that beefy's jaba the hut-like tongue was winning intimidation votes, beefy's camp countered with a comparison of chocolate baby's cake-soaked pony tails to devil's horns while reminding voters that his fluffiness was accumulated in just 3 short months of life on breast milk while it took chocolate baby a full year AND solid foods to gain those jowls. when chads were found both in the fleshy folds of will's floatation-device arms and partially digested in eliza's chocolatey diaper, election officials demanded a recount... that just made the results more confusing. follow this math: 68 votes, 36 per candidate, giving both candidates 52 percent of the vote. that's right. both fatties have more than half of the popular vote. in a race that flies in the face of simple math, the people have spoken: both babies are the winner.

quien es mas gordo?

2008-01-09T01:20:00.000-05:00

we all know there's nothing so cute as a fat baby. may i present two of the fattest babies i know: my niece, eliza bell wallace (the chocolate-covered baby suffering from dunlap's disease, as in her gut "done lapped" her diaper waistband) and right below her you'll find my nephew, will, whose man breasts are literally pouring through my sister's fingers. obviously we wallaces have a healthy respect for food, even early on. don't you just want to bite their cute little segmented bodies?

a wee bit o social commentary

2008-01-07T14:36:00.000-05:00

I don’t find much occasion to frequent the suburban shopping carnival that is Costco… seeing that I’m normally a good thousand miles from my address and I’m shopping for one, I both don’t need that 250 ounce jar of peanut butter, I wouldn’t know where to put it.

I know Costco has groceries from my annual duck beach shop-a-thon. (And I have to stop here and give pause for the PMS-addled Costco run of a few years back with Jamie. Almost as people friendly as the Halloween we dressed up like mimes so we wouldn’t have to talk to anybody.) But who knew that Costco had books? Clothing? Furniture? Electronics?! Free samples of food!! I went this weekend with my sister seeking a late Christmas present for a niece, a gallon of milk and an Ipod. Pish posh, I thought. Not in one stop, I was so wrong. There is a whole convenient world of shopping in that concrete warehouse of cheap and various goods. I found myself exclaiming: I love America! No where, in all my travels have I seen something so conveniently miraculous (and thrifty!) as this indoor shopping bizarre.

And then I noticed something. I noticed China. It was freaking everywhere. EVERYTHING WAS MADE IN CHINA. Toys, clothes, furniture and for dang sure the electronics and the plasma tvs. I just wanted to find ONE made in the USA label. I was a searcher – up one aisle, down the other. Past the miles of linens and fields of kitchen appliances, the legions of games and yard ornaments, on to the tubs of jeans and jackets, around the corner to the prairie land of furnishings. I found a few Canada labels and a handful of Made in México’s but not one American flag staking claim of workmanship. I’m no John Bircher but can I get a witness on this? This ain’t good. We want industry and manufacturing jobs with benefits but we don’t want to pay anymore than a buck fifty for a bedroom suite. Costco is the microcosm – or the microCostcoism – of all that is wrong with America and our economy. That’s what I’m going to call it and see if that’s a word we Americans can rally around. End microCostcoism today, I say! Catchy? Anyone? Is this mic on?

And ps – I finally broke free of the gravitational pull that is Yorktown last night. Yes. That’s a two-week (unpaid) Christmas vacation for me. And I’m not saying leaving is a good thing. I hate hate hate to leave my family. I’m so lucky that my family rocks and they also just happen to be my BFFs. I’m feeling the bagpipes tonight. Love you guys.

merry christmas

2007-12-26T12:02:00.000-05:00

In Hoc Anno Domini

December 24, 2007; Page A10

When Saul of Tarsus set out on his journey to Damascus the whole of the known world lay in bondage. There was one state, and it was Rome. There was one master for it all, and he was Tiberius Caesar.

Everywhere there was civil order, for the arm of the Roman law was long. Everywhere there was stability, in government and in society, for the centurions saw that it was so.

But everywhere there was something else, too. There was oppression -- for those who were not the friends of Tiberius Caesar. There was the tax gatherer to take the grain from the fields and the flax from the spindle to feed the legions or to fill the hungry treasury from which divine Caesar gave largess to the people. There was the impressor to find recruits for the circuses. There were executioners to quiet those whom the Emperor proscribed. What was a man for but to serve Caesar?

There was the persecution of men who dared think differently, who heard strange voices or read strange manuscripts. There was enslavement of men whose tribes came not from Rome, disdain for those who did not have the familiar visage. And most of all, there was everywhere a contempt for human life. What, to the strong, was one man more or less in a crowded world?

Then, of a sudden, there was a light in the world, and a man from Galilee saying, Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's and unto God the things that are God's.

And the voice from Galilee, which would defy Caesar, offered a new Kingdom in which each man could walk upright and bow to none but his God. Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. And he sent this gospel of the Kingdom of Man into the uttermost ends of the earth.

So the light came into the world and the men who lived in darkness were afraid, and they tried to lower a curtain so that man would still believe salvation lay with the leaders.

But it came to pass for a while in divers places that the truth did set man free, although the men of darkness were offended and they tried to put out the light. The voice said, Haste ye. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness come upon you, for he that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth.

Along the road to Damascus the light shone brightly. But afterward Paul of Tarsus, too, was sore afraid. He feared that other Caesars, other prophets, might one day persuade men that man was nothing save a servant unto them, that men might yield up their birthright from God for pottage and walk no more in freedom.

Then might it come to pass that darkness would settle again over the lands and there would be a burning of books and men would think only of what they should eat and what they should wear, and would give heed only to new Caesars and to false prophets. Then might it come to pass that men would not look upward to see even a winter's star in the East, and once more, there would be no light at all in the darkness.

And so Paul, the apostle of the Son of Man, spoke to his brethren, the Galatians, the words he would have us remember afterward in each of the years of his Lord:

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ has made us free and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

This editorial was written in 1949 by the late Vermont Royster and has been published annually since.

a mighty kerfuffle: a PSA

2007-12-13T12:20:00.000-05:00

the how-to on avoiding time in the slammer or unwanted spam in your inbox:

1. never trust a 15 year-old when he promises he's run something by his guardian. one of my sweet lost boys hitched a ride with me back to colorado city yesterday -- the polygamist city in southern utah where he lived for the first 14 years of his life. he assured me he'd cleared it with the powers that be. and so we happily went to the compound and off the grid as far as cell phones go. by the time i got back into cell phone service i had 7 voicemails from the aforementioned guardian. they started out nice enough with gentle yet worried inquiries... then turned fearful and downright menacing. the word "kidnap" might have been mentioned. after a long drawn-out peace process, we're cool and i don't expect to spend time in the slammer THIS trip to utah. still. lesson learned.

2. you know those "free offers" that come to your email inbox? turns out they are not free. you are not going to get a free mac laptop or a camera or a lifetime supply of groceries for filling out a survey. i know they SAY you will but they lie.

it's text book

2007-12-10T02:32:00.000-05:00

so i google myself every now and then when i'm bored... don't judge me. tonight i found something crazy. one of my magazine articles is in a college text book. i know! a text book on how to write a persuasive essay. how to do it RIGHT, for crying out loud.

here's the link:

http://books.google.com/books?id=-ljArXsJF44C&pg=PA385&lpg=PA385&dq=kathryn+wallace&source=web&ots=S-Jqt1Jcip&sig=swSIKoQUVBSr8CbCl6Ounu5lqJs#PPA385,M1

i blog 4 u

2007-12-06T01:12:00.000-05:00

my public has spoken. apparently 2 posts per year is a disgraceful waste of the precious commodity of the internet. ok. i'll blog! and i'll do it for YOU! you people who have clicked on my page in the last year with hopes to find proof of life, a simple update, a tasteful joke... only to have those modest hopes cruelly dashed. all three of you faithful and dear readers, this is for YOU.

dc is boring. i am dc.

2007-10-15T12:23:00.000-04:00

... but not for much longer. standby for the new location.

** jokes removed due to... very strongly worded feedback. i don't look so freaky now do i ellen?

VA highway robbery

2007-07-23T11:47:00.000-04:00

sign to repeal the VA civil remedial fees law:

http://www.petitiononline.com/va3202/petition.html

from the court house to the white house

2006-12-13T23:19:00.000-05:00

day started with a long drive to henrico county for my court date. got a reckless driving citation for my "act of god" hydroplaning incident oct. 17. when i asked the trooper why i was getting a ticket the day of the accident, she responded: "i gotta give you something." judging by the amount of people in the court room today issued citations by this particular trooper, she ain't kidding. she definitely feels the need to give you SOMETHING... if you are a sleepy trucker who wants to pull off the road, if you just happen to be in the same car with someone driving with an expired license or if -- like me -- you had the misfortune of being in a one car hydroplaning accident. turns out there were 3 of us fighting reckless driving tickets for hydroplaning on the same stretch of road i crashed on. for once, being at the end of the alphabetic cue worked in my favor.

dad went with me (because he is THE best dad in the world) and we kept a running talley: 38 cases before me. People: zero. Cops: 38. The closest thing to a win in the people category was for a woman who had her speedometer calibrated after a speeding ticket. The judge dropped her ticket from reckless driving but still fined her and made her pay court costs. one of the hydroplaners was an engineer and had examined the grade of I-295, where we both had crashed, determining the road was tipped and a hazard. If that's so, the judge asked, why didn't everyone crash that day? the reckless driving charge stuck for that poor schmuck. dad and i took note and decided my best bet was to work the rental car angle hard. i'd also looked up the vehicle code -- thanks to some sound legal advice from jstew, non-practicing lawyer extraordinaire. that particular code of reckless driving is for failure to maintain brakes for highway driving. ps. i didn't use my brakes... i was hydroplaning.

my argument was sound but the judge wasn't merciful to those in his courtroom in this christmas season... best case scenario, i expected traffic court and court costs. finally, we got to the end of the cue and the W's were up. dad and i approached the bench... my legs shaking. judge asked the officer for the facts of the case and my plea. not guilty of course. officer davenport was a little fuzzy on the details of my case -- like whether or not it was raining (it was. hard) so i set the judge straight, gave him the pictures mom took of the poor tires on the rental car... and cited the code, explaining my brakes were never engaged in the accident. this is where the judge came alive: "you are so right, ms. wallace," he said. "if more people understood that we'd have fewer accidents." he then told me he was going to dismiss my case... but he phrased it more like a question. he repeated himself... this time with authority. he would dismiss my citation. and he thanked me for doing the right thing in the accident. jedi mind powers DO work.

without a look at trooper davenport or the judge, dad and i quickly gathered our belongings, turn on our heels and beat it out of there because neither one of us thought we could supress the AH YEAH that was bubbling up. right outside the courtroom doors: celebration, high fives, hand motions of sticking it to THE MAN. we fought the law... and we were the only ones today that WON. cops: 38. people: 1!

from henrico, dad and i made our way back to dc so i could get ready for dinner with george and laura. journalist reception at the white house.... first time meeting a sitting president (bill clinton post-WH years doesn't count). wow -- they do that place UP at christmas. sensory overload! we got the whole run of the upstairs west wing... two ballrooms, the oval sitting room, the library, the first ladies' room (with paintings of all the last ladies, from roosevelt to clinton) and my favorite... the map room. framed on the wall was the last WWII troop movement map FDR saw of the european theater before his death. if i could've rolled it up and taken it home, i would've. damn secret service agents. the food was beautiful to look at and even better in my mouth and ginormous christmas trees and exquisite nativity scenes were in each of the upstairs rooms. it was too much to take in.

i did meet the pres. i was introduced as "the friend" and W said -- oh... the FRIEND. i said... yup. that's me. he said i was a beautiful friend... and i told him he was my new best friend for saying that. Laura asked where i work and said i was lucky to be with national geographic. i told them they had a lovely home ... liked what they'd done with the place, photo was snapped and they were on to the next eager handgrabber. i chatted with tony snow (he likes trading punches with the press, he says) and a few other names you see in bylines. it was magical. all told -- not a bad day. got lucky at the courthouse and was pronounced "beautiful" and "lucky" by the prez and first lady.

chain gangs? anyone?

2006-11-19T20:31:00.000-05:00

i had my opinions on capital punishment, "getting tough on crime," and the justice system at large.... and then i went to prison.

i spent a total of 12 weeks at two maximum-security prisons in California -- a men's and a women's prison -- and met the people we forget about after they are sentenced and file out of the courtroom. the numbers of our fellow citizens behind bars is shameful. With 2.2 million americans locked up, we have more convicts per capita and in sheer numbers than any other nation. And we have the highest recidivism rate of any country with more than half of our parolees cycling back through. it's clear our justice system isn't working. When we have kids serving longer sentences for stealing cars than repeat offending molesters, we need to evaluate sentencing laws and what we value as a culture.

food for thought:

- of the dozens of inmates i spoke to, only one inmate grew up with both a mom and dad in the home.
- i posed the question "when did you start on the path that brought you here?" to almost every female inmate I spoke to. With few exceptions the answer was sexual molestation.
- the boys from the inner cities consider prison their university -- the only type of "higher learning" they think they have access to.

i'm not naive. i saw the rap sheets of many of the people i spoke to and some of them did horrifying things and deserve to be in prison. Others don't deserve their sentences like inmate Smith, who is serving a 200-year sentence for 8 counts of petty robbery. Granted he had a gun -- that he didn't fire -- but none of his crimes resulted in violence of any kind. This is a man who should be in a work camp or on a chain gang, working out restitution with the state and his victims, NOT clogging up the system and languishing behind bars until his pine box parole. No wonder California is exporting convicts all over the country because they don't have room for all the people they are locking up. there is such a thing as being too tough on crime and the widely variant sentencing is just one of many problems i have with the system. Consider inmate Berry -- in for 13 years for a first-time armed robbery. No one got hurt in Berry's unsuccessful attempt to rob a gas station and he quickly confessed to his crime upon his arrest. He deserves punishment, certainly. But why is he in longer than inmate evanoff, a two-time armed assault offender serving a six-year sentence? or inmate costas, a rapist with a five-year sentence, for crying out loud?

here's my solution: robbers and drug dealers go to work camps to pay off a pre-determined debt to society, and we start offing more murders and rapists, who have forfeited their right to co-exist in our community or in a lock-up on taxpayer dime. some people can't be rehabilitated and right now we are housing basically decent folks who have made mistakes with the murderous, insane and unrepentant. combining violent offenders with short-timers makes prison a molotov cocktail graduate school for crime -- institutionalizing young inmates capable of change. when it comes to crime, let's keep 'em separated. who's with me?

welcome to my whirled

2006-11-11T23:09:00.000-05:00