Wednesday, January 16, 2008

two winners and absolutely no losers











polls closed late last night in this hotly contested race for the fattest wallace offspring -- a race marred by negative campaigning, election fraud and ballot irregularities. chocolate baby took an early lead until a wellspring of beefy voters, including unregistered international voters from brazil -- GARY -- put their ginormous candidate in the jumbo-sized spotlight big enough to accommodate his large hindquarters and thighs. candidates traded soft dimple-fisted jabs. chocolate baby thundered that beefy's jaba the hut-like tongue was winning intimidation votes, beefy's camp countered with a comparison of chocolate baby's cake-soaked pony tails to devil's horns while reminding voters that his fluffiness was accumulated in just 3 short months of life on breast milk while it took chocolate baby a full year AND solid foods to gain those jowls. when chads were found both in the fleshy folds of will's floatation-device arms and partially digested in eliza's chocolatey diaper, election officials demanded a recount... that just made the results more confusing. follow this math: 68 votes, 36 per candidate, giving both candidates 52 percent of the vote. that's right. both fatties have more than half of the popular vote. in a race that flies in the face of simple math, the people have spoken: both babies are the winner.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

quien es mas gordo?

we all know there's nothing so cute as a fat baby. may i present two of the fattest babies i know: my niece, eliza bell wallace (the chocolate-covered baby suffering from dunlap's disease, as in her gut "done lapped" her diaper waistband) and right below her you'll find my nephew, will, whose man breasts are literally pouring through my sister's fingers. obviously we wallaces have a healthy respect for food, even early on. don't you just want to bite their cute little segmented bodies?



Monday, January 7, 2008

a wee bit o social commentary


I don’t find much occasion to frequent the suburban shopping carnival that is Costco… seeing that I’m normally a good thousand miles from my address and I’m shopping for one, I both don’t need that 250 ounce jar of peanut butter, I wouldn’t know where to put it.

I know Costco has groceries from my annual duck beach shop-a-thon. (And I have to stop here and give pause for the PMS-addled Costco run of a few years back with Jamie. Almost as people friendly as the Halloween we dressed up like mimes so we wouldn’t have to talk to anybody.) But who knew that Costco had books? Clothing? Furniture? Electronics?! Free samples of food!! I went this weekend with my sister seeking a late Christmas present for a niece, a gallon of milk and an Ipod. Pish posh, I thought. Not in one stop, I was so wrong. There is a whole convenient world of shopping in that concrete warehouse of cheap and various goods. I found myself exclaiming: I love America! No where, in all my travels have I seen something so conveniently miraculous (and thrifty!) as this indoor shopping bizarre.

And then I noticed something. I noticed China. It was freaking everywhere. EVERYTHING WAS MADE IN CHINA. Toys, clothes, furniture and for dang sure the electronics and the plasma tvs. I just wanted to find ONE made in the USA label. I was a searcher – up one aisle, down the other. Past the miles of linens and fields of kitchen appliances, the legions of games and yard ornaments, on to the tubs of jeans and jackets, around the corner to the prairie land of furnishings. I found a few Canada labels and a handful of Made in México’s but not one American flag staking claim of workmanship. I’m no John Bircher but can I get a witness on this? This ain’t good. We want industry and manufacturing jobs with benefits but we don’t want to pay anymore than a buck fifty for a bedroom suite. Costco is the microcosm – or the microCostcoism – of all that is wrong with America and our economy. That’s what I’m going to call it and see if that’s a word we Americans can rally around. End microCostcoism today, I say! Catchy? Anyone? Is this mic on?

And ps – I finally broke free of the gravitational pull that is Yorktown last night. Yes. That’s a two-week (unpaid) Christmas vacation for me. And I’m not saying leaving is a good thing. I hate hate hate to leave my family. I’m so lucky that my family rocks and they also just happen to be my BFFs. I’m feeling the bagpipes tonight. Love you guys.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

merry christmas

In Hoc Anno Domini

December 24, 2007; Page A10

When Saul of Tarsus set out on his journey to Damascus the whole of the known world lay in bondage. There was one state, and it was Rome. There was one master for it all, and he was Tiberius Caesar.

Everywhere there was civil order, for the arm of the Roman law was long. Everywhere there was stability, in government and in society, for the centurions saw that it was so.

But everywhere there was something else, too. There was oppression -- for those who were not the friends of Tiberius Caesar. There was the tax gatherer to take the grain from the fields and the flax from the spindle to feed the legions or to fill the hungry treasury from which divine Caesar gave largess to the people. There was the impressor to find recruits for the circuses. There were executioners to quiet those whom the Emperor proscribed. What was a man for but to serve Caesar?

There was the persecution of men who dared think differently, who heard strange voices or read strange manuscripts. There was enslavement of men whose tribes came not from Rome, disdain for those who did not have the familiar visage. And most of all, there was everywhere a contempt for human life. What, to the strong, was one man more or less in a crowded world?

Then, of a sudden, there was a light in the world, and a man from Galilee saying, Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's and unto God the things that are God's.

And the voice from Galilee, which would defy Caesar, offered a new Kingdom in which each man could walk upright and bow to none but his God. Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. And he sent this gospel of the Kingdom of Man into the uttermost ends of the earth.

So the light came into the world and the men who lived in darkness were afraid, and they tried to lower a curtain so that man would still believe salvation lay with the leaders.

But it came to pass for a while in divers places that the truth did set man free, although the men of darkness were offended and they tried to put out the light. The voice said, Haste ye. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness come upon you, for he that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth.

Along the road to Damascus the light shone brightly. But afterward Paul of Tarsus, too, was sore afraid. He feared that other Caesars, other prophets, might one day persuade men that man was nothing save a servant unto them, that men might yield up their birthright from God for pottage and walk no more in freedom.

Then might it come to pass that darkness would settle again over the lands and there would be a burning of books and men would think only of what they should eat and what they should wear, and would give heed only to new Caesars and to false prophets. Then might it come to pass that men would not look upward to see even a winter's star in the East, and once more, there would be no light at all in the darkness.

And so Paul, the apostle of the Son of Man, spoke to his brethren, the Galatians, the words he would have us remember afterward in each of the years of his Lord:

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ has made us free and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

This editorial was written in 1949 by the late Vermont Royster and has been published annually since.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

a mighty kerfuffle: a PSA

the how-to on avoiding time in the slammer or unwanted spam in your inbox:

1. never trust a 15 year-old when he promises he's run something by his guardian. one of my sweet lost boys hitched a ride with me back to colorado city yesterday -- the polygamist city in southern utah where he lived for the first 14 years of his life. he assured me he'd cleared it with the powers that be. and so we happily went to the compound and off the grid as far as cell phones go. by the time i got back into cell phone service i had 7 voicemails from the aforementioned guardian. they started out nice enough with gentle yet worried inquiries... then turned fearful and downright menacing. the word "kidnap" might have been mentioned. after a long drawn-out peace process, we're cool and i don't expect to spend time in the slammer THIS trip to utah. still. lesson learned.

2. you know those "free offers" that come to your email inbox? turns out they are not free. you are not going to get a free mac laptop or a camera or a lifetime supply of groceries for filling out a survey. i know they SAY you will but they lie.

Monday, December 10, 2007

it's text book

so i google myself every now and then when i'm bored... don't judge me. tonight i found something crazy. one of my magazine articles is in a college text book. i know! a text book on how to write a persuasive essay. how to do it RIGHT, for crying out loud.

here's the link:

http://books.google.com/books?id=-ljArXsJF44C&pg=PA385&lpg=PA385&dq=kathryn+wallace&source=web&ots=S-Jqt1Jcip&sig=swSIKoQUVBSr8CbCl6Ounu5lqJs#PPA385,M1

Thursday, December 6, 2007

i blog 4 u

my public has spoken. apparently 2 posts per year is a disgraceful waste of the precious commodity of the internet. ok. i'll blog! and i'll do it for YOU! you people who have clicked on my page in the last year with hopes to find proof of life, a simple update, a tasteful joke... only to have those modest hopes cruelly dashed. all three of you faithful and dear readers, this is for YOU.